


Marahan

by cobalamincosel, jeannedarc



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, gay longing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:53:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobalamincosel/pseuds/cobalamincosel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeannedarc/pseuds/jeannedarc
Summary: Lee Donghyuck is twenty years old when he really begins to start giving serious thought to what being in love means.Really, it isn't Donghyuck's fault. No one could blame him. Johnny is considerate to a fault, and super good‐looking, and funny, and has something kind to share with everyone.It makes sense.But when Johnny can tell by the look on his face that Donghyuck needs support and compliments instead of the teasing and banter they usually have before the lights go out for the night… that's not nothing.Right?
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 86
Kudos: 439





	Marahan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RoamingSignals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoamingSignals/gifts).



> M's note: This started with a [gif](https://twitter.com/johnnyseo_paws/status/1275442708333522945?s=20) that A replied to, and then I replied to, and then they replied to, until we had a string of tweets that turned into a story. It turned into a really fun, really lovely accidental collaboration, and my first with them--an honor, honestly, considering the caliber of their work. 
> 
> This is a gift from us to Romie, who cries over Johnhyuck like 3x a day but like that's so fucking valid cos same. We both hope you like this little drabble! We love you!
> 
> a's note: oooooohmygod so first of all THANK YOU to m for doing this with me!!! it was a joy from start to finish and i'm so proud of what we did here 💕 working with you was truly an honour and a blessing! she's one of my favourite authors for a reason honestly 😌
> 
> second of all ROME WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH and we hope you like this because you deserve this little brightness in your day 💗

_**marahan**_ (Filipino)

_adv._ gently; tenderly; softly

🌥🌥🌥

Lee Donghyuck is twenty years old when he really begins to start giving serious thought to what being in love means. 

It begins casually enough--just one of those quiet nights where Johnny’s broken open a new bottle of Bordeaux from their minifridge, two water goblets serving as wine glasses on Johnny’s bedside table. 

Donghyuck sings enough of their ballads with feeling intense enough to have their fans wondering online just who broke his heart for it to warrant such a broken expression, but the truth of the matter is that Donghyuck doesn’t know what it’s like to be in love. 

There is, however, the issue of this...this infatuation Donghyuck has with his roommate, something that he keeps an extremely tight lid on because he’s only really just become aware of it. The newness of anything scares him. The newness of this is infuriating. 

When he finishes off his first glass and his cheeks have gone warm from the alcohol, he calls Johnny’s attention, who locks his phone and rests it on his tummy before turning to Donghyuck and saying, “Yes, Haechannie?”

“Johnny-hyung,” Donghyuck says, stretching the ‘ _hyung_ ’ out like he does when he pretends he has an American accent. “Have you ever fallen in love with anyone? Or do you have a crush on anyone right now?”

Johnny is thoughtful, his handsome face scrunching up in thought, lower lip jutting out as he frowns and thinks. 

“I thought I was in love with Yoona-noona,” Johnny jokes. “I couldn’t face her for years. But I don’t think I’ve ever been in love." He seems to falter, to change. "It’s not like we have many opportunities to do that, Haechannie.” 

The conversation doesn’t go on for too long. They mention Jaehyun’s brief stint with some rookie idol from a couple of years back which ultimately ended when she told him she was more interested in her member than in him. But other than that, there isn’t much precedent for people in their group having a stable love life. 

He doesn’t let on that he has feelings for anyone, and decides to close the topic out by saying, “Yeah, crushes are irritating anyway. Distracting.” He isn't lying.

Johnny huffs a small laugh, pours Donghyuck another glass of wine, and they toast to having no love lives with wry little smiles on their faces before moving on to a different topic altogether. 

But it keeps Donghyuck awake at night for weeks on end, thinking about the stupid crush he has on Johnny, who walks around with his shirt off and who is always mindful of not making noise or turning the lights on to as not to wake Donghyuck up cos he knows he needs sleep constantly. Johnny, who always seems to know exactly what Donghyuck needs without him ever having to say it.

Really, it isn't Donghyuck's fault. No one could blame him. Johnny is considerate to a fault, and super good‐looking, and funny, and has something kind to share with everyone. 

It makes sense.

But when Johnny knows that Donghyuck waking up at two in the morning wanting snacks is normal and orders ahead, when Johnny remembers to put Donghyuck's favorite clothes in the wash, when Johnny can tell by the look on his face that Donghyuck needs support and compliments instead of the teasing and banter they usually have before the lights go out for the night… that's not _nothing._

Right?

It's not nothing. It _can't_ just be nothing. But Donghyuck will keep pushing it away because Johnny is always like his, intuitive in the way he is, tailoring every interaction he has with every member because he knows that they all work differently. What makes Donghyuck special?

It hurts worse because he doesn't change, either. Donghyuck still spends a lot of time hanging off Johnny's arm, asking for his attention. Over the coming months, through three comebacks and two promotion cycles, Donghyuck learns to ignore his own starry eyes reflected at him on video playback. It doesn't mean anything to him except that he's honestly kinda pathetic.

It's easier to feel sorry for himself then acknowledge the truth and get rejected anyway, isn't it?

And it’s fine, right? It should be fine. It stays fine for a long time. 

Later in the year, when Johnny lets slip that he’s seeing someone in secret, some non-idol woman, it’s “casual”, “nothing serious,” Donghyuck grits his teeth. Pretends it hasn’t broken his heart. He’ll get over it.

He does his best to keep himself in check. Spends more time with the Dreamies and on the tenth floor so that he doesn’t have to live with the reminder that Johnny is probably off burying his body in someone else-- 

He halts his train of thought. He constantly has to halt his trains of thought. He gets really good at it for the next couple of weeks. Takes a lot of cold showers because everything is _fine_.

Nevermind the silent, greedy, embarrassing swoop of joy inside of him when Johnny tells him later that it’s over with her. Nevermind the fact that Johnny very casually tells him he likes men too. Nevermind the fact that sometimes he’ll catch Johnny’s eyes on him.

Just sometimes. Not all the time. Just late enough at night that Donghyuck can write it off as how tired he is, rather than the real and nearly physical sensation of Johnny's eyes on him as he gets ready for bed. 

(Secretly, Donghyuck tells himself that it's nice, really, being noticed. Being viable, if that's what he even is under Johnny's carefully uncareful stares. All of it is nice.)

It’s nice too, to kind of have the attention back. Nice to not have jealousy and longing competing for dominance in his headspace anymore, the way it had when Johnny would come home quietly from his romps out, smelling sweetly of a perfume Donghyuck wasn’t familiar with and had grown to resent.

This sudden revelation of information goes unnoticed, in a sense, like a mess you made that needs to be organized, but that your eyes slide over whenever you enter the room. As good as it is to receive the attention, it's markedly harder to give.

Donghyuck thinks about it.

He thinks about it long and hard enough to give himself a headache and a boner at the same time, which is terrible in its own way, but he doesn't dare take in the implications. It'd hurt too badly if he was wrong, if he internalised something that ended up not being true and still had to face up to living with Johnny, with lulling himself to sleep by the uneven breathing of the body just a few feet away.

The problem is that when the idea comes to allude to Johnny that he has feelings for someone within the company, it rests like a parasite in Donghyuck’s head, coaxing him into thinking it’s a good idea, just to test the waters, you know? Just to see what truths he might uncover.

So again, on a night when Donghyuck should be asleep and Johnny is still scrolling through his phone, he says, “Johnny-hyung,” and Johnny asks what it is, Donghyuck says, “I like someone in the company.” 

It doesn’t escape his attention that Johnny asks “Who are they?” That he fixes Donghyuck with a second question in his eyes that he doesn't seem to want to ask. 

“Can’t say yet,” Donghyuck responds. 

He doesn’t miss the tiny frown that forms between Johnny’s perfectly waxed eyebrows before he smooths his expression, and says, “Okay, Casanova. Tell me when you’re ready,” like it’s all a joke.

Donghyuck plays it off. If there's one thing (among many) he's learned to do well, it’s to not address things directly, right? So he feigns discomfort. Keeps his tongue in check. His heart beats so loud he thinks for a second that Johnny can hear its single-minded rhythm: 'you, you, you'.

Johnny, considerate to a fault, lets it drop. Donghyuck is safe another day even if he doesn't feel like he has many of those days left.

But God, does it get harder. 

Johnny doesn’t pry. Donghyuck wishes he would. Wildly, he wishes he could unhinge his jaw, claw open his chest, have the truth slither out of him like the monster that it is, because it feels like that— a monster. This longing has grown arms and legs.

And somewhere between catching another lingering stare and feeling Johnny undoing his sneakers when Donghyuck had fallen asleep on the couch, too exhausted from practice, Donghyuck truly feels like it’s going to come out of him. He clamps his jaw shut constantly now.

Donghyuck can't help himself. Impulse control should be a strong suit of his. It is, usually. But something about Johnny undoes every part of the restraint he's worked so hard to maintain. Very slowly, he feels like he’s left with no choice but to have the truth pull itself out of him.

🌥🌥🌥

It's late. All their best conversations happen late. He thinks he's got the courage of sheer exhaustion on his side, that it'll make him lose some of the tension that keeps the wire in his jaw pulled tight. He slides into bed next to Johnny, who's looking through Instagram and pretending not to watch Donghyuck sling an arm around his waist.

Tonight there is no arguing. No whining about how warm Donghyuck is and how he needs to get off and make space. Tonight there is an almost pointed quiet. They're too tired for all that.

Johnny doesn’t even hesitate to accommodate Donghyuck’s invasion of his bed. Just moves his arm out of the way so Donghyuck can drape himself all over Johnny’s torso, slinging his thigh over Johnny’s thigh. He wonders if Johnny can feel his tell-tale heart racing.

"What's up, Haechannie?" 

Donghyuck's mouth is so dry. He swallows thick around the lump in his throat.

"Just wanted to talk to you," he says. He can already feel himself backing down. It takes the resolve of steel to not roll away, to tighten his fingers in the fabric of Johnny's shirt, fingers flexing over taut abdomen.

It’s the fingers in his hair that prove to be Donghyuck’s undoing, just gentle fingers carding against his scalp. Donghyuck looks up at Johnny who looks down at him, and without any preamble, says simply, “I think I might be in love with you.”

And God, it comes out so tender. So soft. How could it be mistaken for anything but honest? 

Johnny doesn't blink away. Doesn't shrug Donghyuck off. He just smiles in that easy way of his that Donghyuck loves so dearly. 

"That's a big word," Johnny says. He waits. He's always been good with that. The fingers don’t leave Donghyuck’s hair. They still, but they remain. 

This is the biggest hurdle and Donghyuck has cleared it. All the other ones pale in comparison now that he knows what the words “in love with you” feel like in his mouth. 

“Yeah. I guess,” Donghyuck says, resting his pointy chin on Johnny’s chest, looking up at him.

“In love? Not a crush?” Donghyuck watches Johnny’s soft mouth move, and the words only register a second later.

The naming of it feels childish, the word “crush” leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. It takes more than a palm resting upon his crown to make that go away. 

He speaks in spite of it, lifting his chin, fixing his gaze on Johnny’s.

"In love," Donghyuck repeats, firmer. "I know."

Johnny nods, thinks. "You know."

The repetition feels patronizing, and Donghyuck struggles to keep from lashing out. Is this all Johnny can say? A declaration of love and this is all Donghyuck gets for his bravery? 

“That’s it?” Donghyuck asks, his voice small. 

He moves to pull away but Johnny’s gentle hands keep him there.

"I’m agreeing with you," Johnny murmurs, so gentle it seems the force of Donghyuck's misplaced anger might blow him away. "If anyone knows how you feel it's you." Donghyuck is inclined to agree. He rests his face in Johnny's shoulder. The silence stretches between them. 

That is, until Johnny says, “I thought I was wrong."

Donghyuck raises his head, maps the shape of his mouth as he speaks. Memorization is important. He almost misses the meaning. 

"What?" 

Johnny bites his lower lip, cards fingers through Donghyuck’s hair once again. "I thought you'd stop looking at me like you do."

Donghyuck sighs. "How could I ever?" 

Johnny shrugs a shoulder. Doesn’t exactly respond. It’s a non-answer and Donghyuck is this close to pulling away properly. He’s been standing on the precipice of heartbreak for the last couple of minutes. (The last year, if he’s honest with himself.)

“Do you want me to stop looking at you like I do?” Donghyuck asks instead.

Johnny doesn’t answer for a long while, just rubs circles on Donghyuck’s hip with his thumb. 

“No.”

“Selfish.”

“A little.”

“You still haven’t even said anything.” 

“I’m working up to it.”

Donghyuck waits. Quiet. Comfortable in discomfort. He doesn't have to hold his breath anymore. The air tastes different in a post-confession world and Johnny's touch is better than breathing.

Finally, Johnny takes Donghyuck's face in his hands. "You know I have feelings for you, too, don’t you?"

Donghyuck startles, nearly knocking their heads together. He holds in a scoff, but only by a hair. "Ye-- no. no, I didn't." His cheeks burn. His eyes burn. Leave it to Johnny, he figures. "I didn't know at all."

Johnny's smile is sweet and slow when he looks at Donghyuck, face illuminated only from the light through their bathroom door that stands ajar. 

"I'd hoped that the way you looked at me meant that you felt the same way."

Donghyuck's breath stutters in his chest.

He rests his palm against Johnny's chest. It beats in a singular rhythm and Donghyuck swears he knows how it goes, feels it mirrored behind his own ribcage: 'You, you, you.'

"What now?" Johnny asks quietly. 

All at once Donghyuck becomes aware of the proximity of their mouths.

"Would it be okay if I kissed a man? if I were in love with him, I mean." 

Johnny's eyes crinkle at the corners. God, he's so beautiful. Better when he's happy. Donghyuck loves making Johnny happy. "Yeah. It'd be okay."

Kisses are not unfamiliar to Donghyuck, not really, if his attempts with Renjun (disastrous) and Mark (even more disastrous) are anything to go by. They do, however, leave him unprepared for this: the fluid motion that Johnny takes when he brings his lips to Donghyuck's. 

_Electric._

He's softer than even Donghyuck's dreams could have told him. His breath is warm. Donghyuck inhales through his nose and catches a hint of the soap they sometimes share between them. He tangles his hand in the hair at Johnny's nape, and kisses him again, again, again.

Inside of him, the longing that Donghyuck has learned to live with begins to pack its belongings. When Johnny's hand strokes down Donghyuck's flank, down over his thigh, and pulls him closer, a small, broken sound leaving his chest, Donghyuck bids the longing goodbye.

He doesn't know everything. What it means, whether the mutual feelings become something more or not. He's never been in love, not like this, but when they break for air, when Johnny looks at him like he's everything in the world... not knowing is fine too.

It's the shuddering breath that Johnny takes against his lips that ground him. 

"I'm terrified." Johnny's admission reflects Donghyuck's emotions-- one of many.

"Of what?"

"How big this feels," Johnny continues. "But I don't want to put the brakes on it, you know?"

Donghyuck smiles against Johnny’s lips. “I know.” A kiss. Another. “We’ll figure it out.”

And besides, it's already late. They have all night and tomorrow and the foreseeable next forever to talk about it. He tightens his thigh around Johnny's. He kisses Johnny's pinked-up mouth again. He could get good at this, too.

They have time to process all of this-- the fear and the excitement of whatever _this_ entails. For now, Donghyuck rests easy in Johnny's arms, rests his ear to Johnny’s chest, the steady "you-you-you" of Johnny's heartbeat lulling him to sleep. He holds on and holds on tight. 

He does not let go. 

**Author's Note:**

> M's note: [twt](https://twitter.com/johnnyseo_paws)
> 
> a's note:  
> as always, [twt](https://twitter.com/appiarian) & [cc](https://curiouscat.me/chahakyeon)


End file.
